Not 'decisions and dissertations'

I remember thinking to myself about an hour ago, "Hmm, I should definitely name today's blog post Decisions and Dissertations. It will make perfect sense."

But I'm afraid I've forgotten what I was meaning by decisions. What decisions have I had to make recently? Or is there something I have to choose in the near future? I can think of a number of little things, but nothing that might have sparked the need for me to specify decisions in the blog title!

So today was the first day back at uni. It's not really a proper start, merely an introductory meeting regarding third year - changes to submission procedures, quick hello to our personal tutors, that sort of thing. Lectures don't start until next week, and as they will be "Welcome to the course" lectures, tutorials (and the proper workload) won't start until the week after. Probably. So we've got a few weeks to ease into things.

A few days ago I felt like this:

I now feel more like this:

*Sigh*.

Having spent most of the summer feeling fairly relaxed about life and certain that this year is going to go swimmingly (because I'm going to do so much work in advance and get everything out of the way and be on top of everything and... yeah, no.), I'm now no longer feeling like that.

I have just one year left in university, and I remember how scarily quickly last year went by. This year I not only have to pass my exams (with hopefully good grades), but write a dissertation and come up with a plan for once I graduate. The only thing that is certain is that I'll have a house until the end of July. After that, if I can't find the money, I have to move out of London. And that is something I do not want to do. I think.

So... decisions. What decisions do I have to make?

The first one, weird as it might sound, is what order to read books in. Yeah, I know, that shouldn't be top of the list. But in a two metre radius of me, there are 8.5 unread books and a kindle with about 50 unread books on it. Slightly further away is a bookshelf with more unread books on it.

So there are four types of books I could read. There are those relevant to my dissertation, those non-fiction books I read for general interest, fiction I read for fun, and the book I have to read for my mother-daughter book club (members: me and my mother. That's it.). I'm in the middle of reading Fasting Girls (because I took a break and read Henry VIII), but after that I'm unsure what to read. Should I start reading stuff for my dissertation? But if I do that, I might not read the chapters for the Feminist Book Club in time, or Still Alice - the book I'm reading with my mum. Yeah, I know. They're all really cheery subjects. But they're interesting.

I also have a book I took out of the uni library today: Practising Identities: Power and Resistance edited by Sasha Roseneil and Julie Seymour. That I can have for a week, and is both a dissertation and a general interest book.

I have too many books. That's what I'm taking from this. Far gone are the days where I could receive a book, read it, then wait a week or so before getting a new one (re-reading old ones in the meantime). I now have more books I want to read than days in the year.

Anyway, other decisions?

I suppose picking what societies to join this year counts as a decision. I want to join some for two main reasons - firstly to show that I've had interests and done something about them, and second to meet new people. I'm in my third year living in London and I still only really talk to my house-mates and ex-flatmate. The way things in first and second year turned out, I just didn't meet that many people or see the same people enough times to strike up a friendship. It happens. But I'd like to socialise a bit more.

So I have to pick things that don't ask too much of me so that I can keep them up, and that are relevant to my interests. There have been a number that I want to look into, more than I can do. These included Film, Theatre, Backstage, Writers, Sign Language (this one I will do the lessons but not the socialising), Gender and Feminism, Hiking and Walking, and that's without me having been to the society fair yet! It's going to be a tough decision. Some might end up clashing with each other, so obviously there I'll just pick the one I prefer.

I will be sociable this year though. I will.

My final decision is the big one... what do I want to do when I finish university, and how can I prepare for it?

This isn't really a decision to be made - I think I already know. Whilst I toy with the idea of doing a MSc in Medical Anthropology (preferably at either Oxford or Amsterdam), I know I'm not going to go into healthcare or academia. There's nothing career-related about me doing a master's, only interest-related. I know not everything has to be career-related - in fact almost nothing I've ever done has been in pursuit of a job, but it's a lot of money to pay and a year out of my life, and for seemingly no reason? If I'm still interested in the subject there's no reason why I have to stop reading anthropology books / papers.

Maybe I'm just apprehensive about leaving anthropology behind. I have really enjoyed my degree, and it has been instrumental in shaping the way I view the world. But how much am I going to use anthropology afterwards? If the answer is not much, have I wasted several years? I know university isn't just about the academic experience but the social experience, but as already stated that hasn't been wonderful.

I think I'd like to go into TV and film production. I miss being involved in productions, whether that be helping organise them, being back stage, performing in them (music / theatre / dance), anything. I've enjoyed the few occasions I've worked with friends to create little films (don't judge - it was written, filmed and edited in four hours one slightly-bored afternoon on holiday many years ago), discussed creative projects, advised on the editing of some of their videos. But I don't know exactly what I want to do in production. I'm not one of those people who has had an overwhelming desire to be a writer (although I have written things and want to turn some of my ideas into published stories one day), nor a director, nor a film editor etc. I am very aware that there are hundreds of jobs in production, but those are "careers" with ways to show your interest and develop your skill. Interested in being a writer? Write something. Interested in being a director? Direct short films. But just "being involved"? That's a tricky one.

So I'm going to apply to get on the BBC PTP at the end of the year, with the hopeful goal of getting onto their Production Trainee Scheme. It'll be super-competitive though, and I need to prove the following:

You will have a drive to be creative and demonstrable evidence of your passion for using media to tell stories.
Must haves: Evidence of your passion for telling stories
Evidence of your organisational ability
The willingness and ability to work flexibly.

So... using media to tell stories. I have a project in mind that could show that... a small Youtube TV series that H and I have been discussing for ages. I would very much like to get some of the episodes made! How else can I do this? Evidence of passion for telling stories... I think that means I need to write some more. Housemate L suggested I give them a link to some of the fanfiction I've written in previous years, but erm, No. I don't think we'll be doing that. Unless I made a creative writing blog and included both fanfiction and original work? That way I'd be sure to have more content. So long as there's enough original stuff they probably won't judge me too much for the fanfiction? I like what I've written, but I'm not sure how appropriate it would be.

I think the best way for me to show evidence of organisational ability would be to get a job and to keep this blog regularly updated. Yes? Obviously what would be best is if I got a role in one of the societies I join that helps with the organisation, but I doubt they'll change those roles around soon enough for it to make a difference.

So there's many things to think about. Life seems to be speeding up and I have far too much to do.

This is me.

So there we go. Hopefully back to / starting regular posts again. I should have one up on Wednesday and another up on Friday, but we'll see how we go. Until then, adiós mis amigos.

Update: I just realised I spent this entire post talking about decisions, and not about dissertation. The dissertation was mainly linked to the books - I need to get a move on with reading and research!

Study all the things!

I apologise, the meme of which the title of this post refers to has become much too overused. I'm ashamed at myself for using it, but it's an apt description of how I feel.

WHY DO I KEEP CHANGING MY MIND ABOUT MY DISSERTATION TOPIC?

Seriously, sometimes I just want to do this to myself:

It might knock some sense into me, and in my new-found wisdom I might stick on one topic.

I mentioned in the last post that I want to do my individual studies project [dissertation] on depression, self and identity. The idea came into my mind last week whilst I was reading Sally Brampton's Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression. I have neither the book nor the few notes I made on it with me at the moment (they are back in London, waiting patiently on my desk), but I remember a few lines that really stuck out for me. Brampton mentions at one point that depression is a disease in which you lose yourself, that it is one of unexplained, unbearable loneliness, and also states "I am a depressive".

Among others, these three statements reminded me of one of the topics in my medical anthropology module from last year; Selfhood, Personhood and the Body. It was inevitably going to be one of my favourite topics out of all those I was fortunate to study last year, because my favourite thing from the year previously was my research and subsequent essay regarding Mary Douglas' quotation "what is carved on human flesh is an image of society" (or words to that effect - this was two years ago, I can't remember the phrase exactly). I then decided to write an essay last year on "Powerful bodies: use and modification amongst vulnerable women", and it was definitely one of my best that year. I'm very proud of it, even if I do say so myself.

I think it's because I really, really enjoyed the subject matter. Two of the books I mention in it - Hunger: An Unnatural History by Sharman Apt Russell and Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa by Jean Jacobs Brumberg. The way we think, and use, our bodies is fascinating. The fact that society influences our way of thinking should be obvious, but we often don't pay much attention to it. Obviously everyone is aware that Western media nowadays shows lots of skinny girls, but I think it's interesting to take that one step further and learn about how there was a huge increase in cases of anorexia and bulimia in Fiji in the mid-1990s once television was introduced to the country [1]. That they didn't want to be slimmer for many of the reasons women in America or the UK want to be slimmer (so that potential sexual partners find them attractive), but because they associated the way the women in American media looked with qualities such as confidence, assertiveness and power, often related [in their minds] to economic success.

I hope this all makes sense to anyone reading this. I've got a terrible cold at the moment so my head is a little fuzzy, and I'm not being as precise with my wording as if I were writing an essay. I'm hoping you're able to follow this.

Anyway, the bodies and Fiji reading popped up on the identity week's revision readings along with several others, three of which really grabbed my attention. Actually, two of these were from the topic "healing techniques of modern societies", but for the purposes of revision I lumped them all together into one topic. One of the readings was on how Western medicine is learned, and it mentions the dualism of mind/body that is so seemingly clear cut in Western society. It suggested that biomedicine objectifies the patient and makes them feel more machine-like (I can go explain this in another post at a later date, but for now, please take my word for it?). Scheper-Hughs and Lock (1997) adds to this that Western science and clinical medicine has a fundamental opposition between spirit and matter, mind and body, real and unreal, to the extent that social information is almost deemed irrelevant to "real" biomedical diagnosis. It is in the body or it is in the mind. Pain is either physical or mental.

Sally Brampton disagrees. She tells us that there is no clear reason why people become depressed, and that whilst it is a mental condition, she was most certainly in physical pain at times. This, to me, is interesting.

Scheper-Hughs and Lock also talk about identity and personhood as related to the individual or society. They mention that in traditional Japan there is a culture of social relativism - one's self-identity changes with the social context. We don't really have that in the West, or at least we think we don't. We tend to see self-identity as a very individual, personally malleable thing, something which we can create by consuming, but which is also fixed in a way - Brampton mentions losing herself. We have a fixed idea of who "we" are. My mind made the connection between her talking about the loneliness involved in an illness where you have lost yourself, and the individual/social person idea.

There was another article my mind managed to connect to these regarding drugs and medication, but this has gone on far too long already and I'm too tired to look up exactly what it said.

So yeah, as you can see (or maybe you can't - I'm really, really unsure about how clear all that rambling was, and I'm very aware of how little sense anthropologists can often seem to make), I have a lot of things running around in my head about why I'd like to look at the self and depression.

But...

There's always a but...

I bought this book the other day:

My sister, O, read the blurb and instantly said it sounded like my sort of book. All about remaking the body and how we're influenced to do so.

And I've seen a few books on anorexia recently that I'd really like to read.

And I've got another upstairs that I'm planning on taking with me to Lanzarote next week.

And now I cannot get mum's suggestion out of my head, that I should be doing my dissertation on anorexia. I don't know why the topic interests me so much! Is it because I love food so much? Or because I have a fixative / obsessive personality, and know that if I'm not careful sometimes when trying to diet I could very easily end up going far too many days without eating enough. And by that, I mean 600-800 calories starting to sound like an awful lot. So whilst I've never, thankfully, suffered from an eating disorder, maybe part of my mind feels a connection to those that do, or to those that like to be in control but get out of hand? I don't know. I think I'm possibly talking rubbish here. All I really mean is that it is a topic that holds a great deal of interest to me, and I'm uncertain which of the two dissertation topics I should pursue.

I think probably the depression one. I think I could write an essay on eating disorders as part of my Anthropology and Psychiatry module - I've seen several of the books that I've already read on one of the previous years' reading list.

I can't tell you how excited I am for this module, and it's not until second term! Seriously, I was looking through the reading list making a note of everything I want to read straight off, and there was about twenty books. One was just for the title - Passage of Darkness: The Ethnobiology of the Haitian Zombie. Who can read a title like that and not want to read the book?

In non-dissertation news, I don't know whether or not to take my laptop to Lanzarote. I took it to Nerja last year, and everyone asked me why on earth I did, then discussed behind my back how antisocial it was etc. Then every single other person on the holiday used it at various points during the week, and it was useful to find maps and timetables and tickets etc for things we wanted to do. In the end, very useful. This time I want it partly in order to be antisocial for a little bit. I want some me-time. I also want to make a start on my dissertation, but I'm not sure how much I'll actually get done whilst on holiday. Part of me thinks I could get a fair few readings done, as my mind is very much on the topics at hand, but the other part of me thinks I'll cave to peer pressure and not do anything.

However, my budget for the holiday is very limited, and I already know it's three times smaller than a number of other people's. This means I'm not always going to be able to go on all the trips out that everyone else does. I know one day people want to go to a water park. I'm not particularly interested in water parks, and that will cost money, so I might see if I can beg off that? I've got a bad cold anyway, if that's an excuse. If they're all out all day, whilst I'll have books with me it might be nice to also have my laptop, as I know there's wifi in some areas.

It's also more baggage to carry. It's a heavy laptop.

And part of me doesn't want to be away from the internet for a week because of everything I'll "miss" in the fandoms I pay attention to and other pop-culture issues. Which I actually enjoy keeping up with, from an "this whole phenomenon of fandoms and celebrity and etc is interesting" sort of way, not just a "I want to know what Benedict Cumberbatch is up to" sort of way (because honestly, I find it really creepy to actively research what another person is doing. If the Sherlock tag on tumblr tells you something, that's fine, but googling actors for their latest news is a little creepy and stalker-ish, and I've felt very bad whenever I've done it. Because, yes, I've done it. Only on a few occasions when I'm wanting to know the follow-up to something else I've read about, but I've felt weird doing it all the same). A week is a heck of a long time on the internet! When I spent more time on Reddit, 24 hours away could sometimes be enough for me to have no idea what half the posts on the front page were talking about. I'm used to being connected and aware, and I like that state just as much as I like putting the laptop down and ignoring it all.

But I think I like the choice - I have the option to be connected, and the option to ignore it. If I don't take my laptop on holiday, I don't have that option at all.

This post is too long and is no longer making sense to me.

If you've got this far, thank you for sticking with me!

This cold needs to go away soon.

[1] Becker, A. 2004. Television, Disordered Eating and Young Women in Fiji.

Anthropology Options (Part II)

So it's been a while. It took far longer than I would have liked for me to finally choose my modules, but in all fairness, it wasn't entirely my fault. It was partly due to the system we have on portico and my being unable to understand how things work. Rather than just looking on the "select modules" list, I decided to browse the module database, not realising until much later that this shows all modules that have ever been available (I think), and not just the ones on offer for that year. So I had many, many more to try to choose between, such as Anthropology of Western Industrial Societies, or the main ones I wanted to do - Ethnographic Film Theory and Practical.

Ethnographic Film Practical would have been perfect for me. It was a term long course that ended up with you producing a 15 minute professional-quality film. It takes you through everything, from using the camera and equipment, coming up with what you're going to film, and editing afterwards. Considering I've sort of decided that I'd like to work in television and/or film (on the production side, not the on-screen side), I thought this would be perfect. But I wasn't sure if it was available for undergraduates or if I'd have to pay the lab fee (which was anything between £550 and £1500 depending on how much the department paid for you). So I sent an email to our undergraduate coordinator, and waited many, many days for my dilemma to be resolved.

As it happens, it's not an available module, which I'd have realised had I only looked at the options under the "select modules" section. I felt like this:

Yes, I'm overreacting a little. I did feel stupid, and annoyed, and irritated, and many other words that mean similar things, but that's just because I'm impatient. Despite the fact that I'm still able to change what modules I want to do in the first week of taking them (which isn't until the first week in October), I wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible. The fact that I wasted almost a week looking at modules I'm unable to take anyway really annoys me. On the plus side, H told me about a module that SOAS are doing (or so we think), which is "The Other in Horror and Science Fiction". I think it sounds really interesting, and not just because it involves watching a film every week and has no exam at the end (only essays). So I've picked that one as my non-department module, and I really, really hope it gets the go ahead. It's hosted by their anthropology department, so I can't see why it wouldn't be.

The other modules I picked ended up being Digital Culture; Psychiatry; Science, Society and Biomedicine; and Nationalism, Ethnicity and Race. I don't actually know which I'm looking forward to the most - I think they'll all be really interesting. Although it's strange - I think I'm actually looking forward to Digital Culture the least, despite that being the module that I wanted to do all of last year, and was looking forward to for ages. Now that I've gone off the idea of my dissertation being internet-related, I'm definitely not as interested as I was.

And I think I know why - I'm interested in the internet, I really am. I've spent half my life on it. I find it fascinating how communities form and interact on various social networking sites, and how they seem to come together as one big "internet community" in the face of things such as SOPA and CISPA. But I think I was considering doing my dissertation on the internet last year mainly due to me not wanting to have to interact with people on a face-to-face basis. I'm shy, and I also have a tendency to isolate myself. I isolated myself a lot last year, there was no way I wanted to be interviewing anybody. I thought that if I had to, I could chat to people online, and send out questionnaires. And then when I was trying to think of a dissertation idea, I came up with about twenty ideas that weren't quite anthropological enough, or doable, or interesting enough. It drove me a little mad.

So I'm not doing the internet for my dissertation. Not in the slightest. I started thinking that I wanted to do something related to the medicalisation of gender (or biomedical creation of gender, or something). I've now decided that what I would really like to do is look at the self and identity in people who suffer from depression. Mum suggested I look at anorexia, but I pointed out that my medical essay last year focussed a lot on food control and anorexia, despite it being on control and use of the body amongst women in general. I'd be rehashing a lot of old ground, although I do agree that it would be a fascinating topic.

No, I decided I wanted to do depression and the self because I've been interested in identity, personhood and the self since the start of the degree. My best essay in first year was on body modification, and then I loved the medical anthropology module last year. Well, I loved it in sorts - I didn't like the lectures (or go to many of them) because I didn't like the teaching styles, but I really enjoyed the tutorials and the readings, and it's a topic I've considered studying further as a masters degree.

But masters degrees are expensive, and I don't want to go into anthropology as a career. I can't afford to study something just because I find it interesting, which is a shame, but c'est la vie.

And now I have to go and pack, because I'm going back to Liverpool today on a train that leaves in two hours, so I have to leave here in an hour. I've wasted most of the morning on the internet, so I'm now in a bit of a rush. At least I was able to update this.