Never, ever give up

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Women Wednesday!

Friday Wednesday Feminism? Female Feels? Nah, Women Wednesday!

Very quick post before I get back to eating and everything else I have to do today - mainly two chapters of my dissertation and a load of housework.

Number 1:

Why on earth was she punished more than he was? It's not like she was forcing him, and if she was, then she should be up on charges of rape, not public indecency. To be clichéd, it takes two to tango.

Number 2:

I listened today to Bridget Christie Minds the Gap (only one day left for the first episode, but there's three more episodes still to come). If you're not in the UK, I recommend getting the global iplayer app and listening to the full thing, it's only 30 minutes. At least I think you need the global iplayer app. You never know, you might be able to access it from that link, I don't know. I found it very amusing, and a good thing to listen to whilst washing the dishes after spending class this morning discussing women and mental illness.

And now I'm off because I've been shoved out of the way so flatmate H can watch a bird displaying his tail feathers for a lady. Apparently the lady is 'on the fence', both literally and metaphorically.

Grr

Do you ever get that sensation that you don't quite feel well and possibly feel the need to throw up but you're not sure why because you felt absolutely fine a few hours ago?

No?

Just me then?

IT'S VERY ANNOYING.

I have lots of work to do today, work I was planning on starting several hours ago. And lots of work should be taken as reading Alien Ocean, of which I am on page 1. I'm also going out in an hour or so to go and speak to my film tutor from last term and ask about why my essay mark was changed from 72 to 68, because 4 marks is actually quite a lot. But H and I are planning on staying out until we get bored so we can try and avoid peak travel costs, so I won't have a lot of time today in which to continue reading. So why am I wasting time?

Because I feel sick and it's distracting.

I wouldn't even mind if I knew the reason, because then I could try and fix it. But I don't, so I can't. So I'm having a mini rant here, sorry.

And I have to go and talk to my dissertation supervisor tomorrow about my dissertation. I am most definitely not looking forward to it - the draft has to be in in under two weeks and this is the first time I'll be talking to him about it, and I'm essentially at the stage of "I have no idea what I'm doing". And it's not like I even have the time to figure it out, because I have so much to get done! (And yes, I know, I'm not doing the things I need to get done, I'm ranting here. I know that's extremely productive.)

I cannot wait for university to be over. But then I would like to go back to university please. I'm not ready to be a grown-up yet.

Tickle me pink

You know, I have almost as many draft posts as I do published posts? And this is just me adding to the pile of not getting rid of those half-started ramblings.

Throughout this small and sparsely-updated blog I talk a lot about university and all that I have to do and have not yet done, and how I was planning on using this space to write about some of the things I've been learning so that it remains in my head and yada, yada, yada. I think that's what I've said anyway. The point is, I haven't. I've started to, many times. But I haven't. In fact, I've posted maybe twice since university actually started.

And now it essentially finishes in four weeks.

So I've ordered (and am in process of eating) chicken noodle soup, dim sum and started watching The Guild. Very productive.

Actually some of the things they've said in the first 5 minutes are sort of applicable to my Digital Anthropology module - we did a week a short while ago on World of Warcraft and read Bonnie Nardi's My Life as a Night Elf Priest. So it's slightly productive in that it's reminding me that I'm not actually working right now.

Earlier this week I wrote a list of all the things I needed to do over between then and tomorrow in order to not have a mild panic attack and get very far behind in work. Everything was going great until Wednesday. Over the last year I've taken a few short acting classes to help improve my confidence, get me out of the house more and to meet new people. For the last six weeks I've been taking one in performance acting in which we're focusing on The Tempest. We've all been split up to work on particular scenes and we're going to perform them to each other and friends and family (if we want to invite them) the week after next. So Wednesday was spent learning my lines - I'm playing Caliban in a very heavily cut Gabardine scene. On the plus side, I learnt them all. On the negative side, I didn't get any uni work done.

Class that evening went well, I had to go a bit crazy and I over-used my voice and didn't drink enough water. I came in contact with about 11 other people and came back happy. Thursday morning arises, and my throat feels like someone has ripped it out and shoved broken glass in its place. Not a nice feeling at all. I blame mostly lack of water and not warming my voice up properly on Wednesday, but also flatmate H had a cold last weekend that started with a sore throat. Fast forward to Thursday night and I'm feeling so unwell I go to bed several hours earlier than I normally would. Today is Saturday and whilst I'm feeling a lot better, I'm still full of cold and ended up sleeping until midday accidentally. So I've got no work done since Tuesday essentially.

I also didn't get onto the masters I applied for, and the agency rejected my children's story.

BUT SUCH IS LIFE.

My plan is to blog so that I start doing SOMETHING, even if it's not what I'm meant to be doing, so that I will then get on with the things I am meant to be doing. Possibly after doing some yoga, because my back currently feels like it has been tied into knots.

And that thing which I am meant to be doing will either be reading for my dissertation (The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon), reading for Digital next Tuesday (The Cell phone; an anthropology of communication by Heather Horst and Daniel Miller *academic fangirling swoon*), reading for Science, Society and Biomedicine the week after next I think (Alien Ocean by Stefan Helmreich) or starting to write my Digital essay, and thus re-reading Two Bits by Christopher Kelty - a book I didn't really like the first time I tried to read it (gave up after about 100 pages) and am thus not looking forward to reading again.

But flatmate L I see only occasionally and flatmate H has gone home for the weekend, so I have few distractions and should therefore be able to get a fair amount done. I think the essay should probably win since I was planning on writing it last weekend. And I think it would make a good blog topic.

Gif used to break up space so I can change topic and also because I don't think I'll ever have a legitimate reason to use this image.

Is it strange that since feeling overwhelmed last weekend with all that I have left to do and being rejected by two things on the same day and realising that I have no plans for once I finish university at all, I actually feel less scared? Before I was rejected from the MPhil, I was thinking 'I'll do this or I'll be doing x/y/z. If they all fail, I have no idea what I'm going to do'. Now that I genuinely have no idea what I'm going to do, I feel so much better!

I have options, and I'm only 21. I'm looking at other courses - at the moment an MA in Film Studies at KCL has grabbed my attention, but it's not the only thing I'm looking at. What I would really love to do is the MBA/MFA at NYU, but there's many reasons why that's not going to happen any time soon, primarily a) cost, b) don't have the required application details and c) applications for this coming year are closed anyway. But we're being realistic. And realistically, even if I don't get on any postgrad courses for next year, I can always work for a year and develop my interests and skills and discover what I want to do. Living with two women last year who were mature students (one 24 and the other 30) has sort of taught me that whilst it may feel terrifying that I have to be a proper adult and live in the real world soon, I don't need to have everything sussed out straight away. I've got plenty of time to decide what I want to do, what I'm interested in, and work towards those things.

I told my mum I wanted to go and work in New Zealand for a year, but I think I was running away from thinking seriously about what I'm going to do. And what I'm going to do is take things one day at a time, and not give up. And one day I'm going to make the films that I have in my head, because in the words of one of my favourite singers...

"Pray for the people inside your head, for they won't be there when you're dead." ~Johnny Flynn, Tickle Me Pink.

It's alive... IT'S ALIVE!

It's been so long since I last wrote a blog post! So much for wanting to start posting regularly. I'd say I'm cursed, but the answer is really more likely to be me being lazy and not organising my time very well.

Basically, university started. You could probably guess that - I do talk about it in several posts. I only had two modules last term; Nationalism, Ethnicity and Race, and The Other in Horror and Science Fiction Films. As I only had to go in to university on a Thursday, I decided to get a job. And signed up for far too many hours (4 days a week essentially). I also started driving lessons, which I had to drop out of in the end due to lack of time. So I felt far too busy to do anything here.

But that's a load of rubbish really. So 2012 Anna?

I'm far busier this term, and yet I actually want to get things done. I want to be productive. And thinking about how little I had to do last term compared with how much I need to do this term? I could have easily kept this updated. I spent far too long doing nothing.

So I think a quick update is needed to go through the things I have to do over the next few months and the things I want to do. I've been thinking about these and making numerous lists here and there, but it's probably good to write it down and get it out of the way.

First of all, I'm still at university. This is the final term of my final year. That means in less than half a year, I'm going to be let loose on the world. I need a plan. I don't really have a plan. I mean, I have a vague plan, but it's not very well thought out. I've applied for an MPhil in Screen Media and Cultures but there's a very slim chance of me actually getting on the course (I'm not sure how wonderful the sample of my writing I submitted was, but it's the only thing I had suitable to submit). My other plan was to apply for the BBC's PTP if I didn't get onto the Masters, but I'm no where near suitable for it. Not just yet. Hence me trying to get myself in gear.

University-wise, I'm taking three modules this term and I also have to work on my dissertation. My modules are in Anthropology and Psychiatry, Science Society and Biomedicine, and Advanced Topics in Digital Cultures. There's so much work to do! Digital has set us an ethnography a week to read, precisely because we never have to read whole books any more. So that's a 250-300 page book to read each week - fine if it were fiction, but it's anthropology. That makes it instantly harder to read, and takes me about 4 times longer. I'm actually meant to be reading this week's book now, but I figured I'd do this first (I have the whole day today to do it! I nearly got the last one read in a day and I've given myself three for this one). I still have to finish last week's book, although I'm under two chapters from the end. Then there's the usual readings for the other two modules, and my dissertation.

Oh my dissertation. I'm actually dreading it. I had to write a draft chapter for last Monday, and it didn't go wonderfully. I couldn't do the whole 10 pages we were meant to write, I only did 8. I really need to talk to my supervisor about it, but he's not answering any of my emails! The other students who've got him said they've had the same problem, but one said she managed to catch him by turning up in his office hours. I have 30 minutes during which I could turn up at his office hours because I have classes that day. I suppose I could go and organise another meeting. That might be best.

What struck me when writing the chapter and the bibliography was how much I have to read. I have no idea how I'm going to get it all done, not with everything else I have to read as well. It's going to be a nightmare. But I'll push through. That's part of why I'm setting everything out like this - I've spent the last two weeks trying to get back on track of things so I can be more organised. It's not going too badly! In fact,

So what else? In general life-improvement we have a continuation of things started last year. I'm trying to get healthier, so I'm attempting to do some yoga every day. Food-wise I already eat pretty healthy if I stay away from the takeaways. Except today's breakfast was far too fatty. I shouldn't have used L's pan after her, she uses far more oil than necessary in my opinion. Made the eggs in baskets far too greasy. But yes, yoga. And I've started meditation - only three minutes a day for now, but every little helps? My mind also decided last night that I need to finally finish a piece of fanfic I started over a year ago, so posted it on AO3. That was a clever idea. Not. Now I actually feel like I need to work on it.

But all of that aside, I need to focus on and think about improving my career prospects. That's such a horrible phrase. But I need to start working on things now to show that I can do things, I'm creative, I'm organised etc, and that I'm suitable for the PTP or whatever I end up actually applying for! H keeps saying she wants to make short films, which I've said I'll help her with, but she never does anything about them. So we're ignoring all of that for now.

J and I discussed over Christmas making a series of videos where we talk about things like films, books, TV, anything that interests us. It'll help us keep in touch more, and we both want experience making things. But I'm a little weary - he's starting. Will he actually make one? I really need to Skype him today, the first video is meant to be up soon. It'd mean I have to make a video every other week for now, which is a schedule I think I can stick to. I just need him to stick to it as well.

I know that when I'm creative, I feel like being more creative. So my hope is that if I keep that up, I'll want to do more things of a similar nature. Might work on some of my writing projects, make a short film, just do anything to be more productive! I was going to start going to the radio drama meetings this term, and I still am, but I missed the first one. I'm so annoyed. I really want to get involved in that.

And I suppose I need to get this blog running again. That sounds like I don't really want to. I do! I've been missing it for months. I need to keep a project going and complete something. I don't do that any more. But at the moment, I feel like if I don't get on the PTP or on any work experience placements (got rejected from one today) then it'll be because I'm not suitable. I've not done anything to show that I'd be a good candidate, even though I know that I would be if I got on with things. I want to spend the next few months working on a variety of things so that if I apply and still get rejected, then at least I'll know I tried my best.

Sometimes I think I don't try things because I don't want to fail. But if I never try, then I'm guaranteed to fail. Why can't my brain process that?

Less diary-ish service will resume at some point soon. I've got anthropological things I need to think about!

Not a post

At the moment, this is me:

I've spent the day doing relatively little (baked some avocado and bacon muffins, watched the Great British bake Off, helped H with her dissertation), but in the last few hours I've done lots of washing up and tidying so become tired and warm, and the warmth is making me more tired, and I'm also hungry and waiting for food to arrive. So I'm definitely not feeling up to writing a blog post, damn it. So much for my proving I'm organised by updating regularly. Because this isn't really an update, this is me saying that the post scheduled for today will arrive on Friday most likely, or the following Monday.

And to think I was toying before with the idea of starting a food blog as well. Ha!