Throughout this small and sparsely-updated blog I talk a lot about university and all that I have to do and have not yet done, and how I was planning on using this space to write about some of the things I've been learning so that it remains in my head and yada, yada, yada. I think that's what I've said anyway. The point is, I haven't. I've started to, many times. But I haven't. In fact, I've posted maybe twice since university actually started.
And now it essentially finishes in four weeks.
So I've ordered (and am in process of eating) chicken noodle soup, dim sum and started watching The Guild. Very productive.
Actually some of the things they've said in the first 5 minutes are sort of applicable to my Digital Anthropology module - we did a week a short while ago on World of Warcraft and read Bonnie Nardi's My Life as a Night Elf Priest. So it's slightly productive in that it's reminding me that I'm not actually working right now.
Earlier this week I wrote a list of all the things I needed to do over between then and tomorrow in order to not have a mild panic attack and get very far behind in work. Everything was going great until Wednesday. Over the last year I've taken a few short acting classes to help improve my confidence, get me out of the house more and to meet new people. For the last six weeks I've been taking one in performance acting in which we're focusing on The Tempest. We've all been split up to work on particular scenes and we're going to perform them to each other and friends and family (if we want to invite them) the week after next. So Wednesday was spent learning my lines - I'm playing Caliban in a very heavily cut Gabardine scene. On the plus side, I learnt them all. On the negative side, I didn't get any uni work done.
Class that evening went well, I had to go a bit crazy and I over-used my voice and didn't drink enough water. I came in contact with about 11 other people and came back happy. Thursday morning arises, and my throat feels like someone has ripped it out and shoved broken glass in its place. Not a nice feeling at all. I blame mostly lack of water and not warming my voice up properly on Wednesday, but also flatmate H had a cold last weekend that started with a sore throat. Fast forward to Thursday night and I'm feeling so unwell I go to bed several hours earlier than I normally would. Today is Saturday and whilst I'm feeling a lot better, I'm still full of cold and ended up sleeping until midday accidentally. So I've got no work done since Tuesday essentially.
I also didn't get onto the masters I applied for, and the agency rejected my children's story.
BUT SUCH IS LIFE.
My plan is to blog so that I start doing SOMETHING, even if it's not what I'm meant to be doing, so that I will then get on with the things I am meant to be doing. Possibly after doing some yoga, because my back currently feels like it has been tied into knots.
And that thing which I am meant to be doing will either be reading for my dissertation (The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon), reading for Digital next Tuesday (The Cell phone; an anthropology of communication by Heather Horst and Daniel Miller *academic fangirling swoon*), reading for Science, Society and Biomedicine the week after next I think (Alien Ocean by Stefan Helmreich) or starting to write my Digital essay, and thus re-reading Two Bits by Christopher Kelty - a book I didn't really like the first time I tried to read it (gave up after about 100 pages) and am thus not looking forward to reading again.
But flatmate L I see only occasionally and flatmate H has gone home for the weekend, so I have few distractions and should therefore be able to get a fair amount done. I think the essay should probably win since I was planning on writing it last weekend. And I think it would make a good blog topic.
Gif used to break up space so I can change topic and also because I don't think I'll ever have a legitimate reason to use this image.
Is it strange that since feeling overwhelmed last weekend with all that I have left to do and being rejected by two things on the same day and realising that I have no plans for once I finish university at all, I actually feel less scared? Before I was rejected from the MPhil, I was thinking 'I'll do this or I'll be doing x/y/z. If they all fail, I have no idea what I'm going to do'. Now that I genuinely have no idea what I'm going to do, I feel so much better!
I have options, and I'm only 21. I'm looking at other courses - at the moment an MA in Film Studies at KCL has grabbed my attention, but it's not the only thing I'm looking at. What I would really love to do is the MBA/MFA at NYU, but there's many reasons why that's not going to happen any time soon, primarily a) cost, b) don't have the required application details and c) applications for this coming year are closed anyway. But we're being realistic. And realistically, even if I don't get on any postgrad courses for next year, I can always work for a year and develop my interests and skills and discover what I want to do. Living with two women last year who were mature students (one 24 and the other 30) has sort of taught me that whilst it may feel terrifying that I have to be a proper adult and live in the real world soon, I don't need to have everything sussed out straight away. I've got plenty of time to decide what I want to do, what I'm interested in, and work towards those things.
I told my mum I wanted to go and work in New Zealand for a year, but I think I was running away from thinking seriously about what I'm going to do. And what I'm going to do is take things one day at a time, and not give up. And one day I'm going to make the films that I have in my head, because in the words of one of my favourite singers...
"Pray for the people inside your head, for they won't be there when you're dead." ~Johnny Flynn, Tickle Me Pink.
